Peer Relations
By Jonathan Anderson
From childhood through adulthood we are engaged in the challenges of relationships. This author reminds us of the building blocks to successful, meaningful relating: honesty, awareness, trust and empathy.
Peer Relations
Many people seem to believe that only children and teens struggle with how to interact with peers. In fact, the older you get, the more complicated this may feel. A child does not have to worry about dating or professional peers. A teen's romantic interactions or job interactions may not be as intense as those of a high-level professional in a long-standing marriage. Thus, it benefits any aged individual who struggles with peer interactions at any level to deal with it directly and honestly. The GATE can offer a framework from which to develop the skills and awareness necessary to succeed confidently in this often confusing and frustrating part of life.
Genuineness
Genuineness is the ultimate building block of peer relations. Both genuineness with yourself so that you can be honest with others, and genuineness to others, which actually is manifested by honesty itself. People are great lie detectors . . .we all have the ability inside of us that Robert DeNiro has in "Meet the Parents." Most of us just do not have it as finely tuned as his character; however, our bodies know it--and we can all 'feel' a certain vibe when someone is not genuine, or congruent, with their feelings and actions. Alan Watts sums it up nicely in this quote from The Culture of Counterculture (pg 11):
"I was once associated in a business way with somebody who was a complicated person. He always pretended that he was a great idealist and that whatever he was doing was for the benefit of mankind, for the furtherance of mutual understanding, and to promote unselfishness and love between human beings. Actually, his dealings were very shady ethically. And I couldn't get along with him, because he wouldn't come clean. If he had said, "Look, I'm in a jam, and in order to get around it, I need you to manipulate things with me thus and so. I know it isn't ethical, but this what I need you to do." I would have said, "Well, I'm entirely in agreement with you." If he hadn't come on in his usual pious way, which I found sickening and offensive, but had come on in a human way, we would have understood each other."
This is a great example of how genuine action (coming on "in a human way"), no matter how difficult, will usually lead to more beneficial relationships and partnerships. Of course, this applies to not only professional interactions, but also to social and intimate ones as well. In short, be honest about what you are feeling--both to yourself and to others, in thought and in action.
Awareness
Being self-aware offers you the opportunity to monitor your interactions--being overly aware can however, be a hindrance (usually this is an issue for those who struggle with self-esteem). Being aware of if you are being overly self focused in the conversation vs. having a healthy balance of interest in the other person (or people, if in a group) is extremely helpful. If you find that you are too much on either side, then use your awareness to either pull back a little on your storytelling about yourself, or to pull-back a bit in the relentless questioning of others. . . whichever applies. Being aware of other people's body language, facial expressions and tone of voice will aid you in determining if you would do well to alter your level of interaction. If you find that you should, please do not beat yourself up--what will shine through to the other people involved is your perceptiveness and ability to adapt--not the initial interactions.
(Click here to see the rest of this article and how Jonathan applies genuineness, awareness, trust and empathy to peer relations.)
Jonathan Anderson's career providing professional counseling as well as management and personal consultation for thousands of customers over the past 10+ years has prepared him to help people as they explore ways to find balance in their lives. He provides his counseling and consultation in a manner that is applicable to real-life situations (i.e.even metaphysical discussions are always brought back to real-life, even scientific, applications to your life). See Jonathan's blog on psychology, therapy, healing and learning.
Many people seem to believe that only children and teens struggle with how to interact with peers. In fact, the older you get, the more complicated this may feel. A child does not have to worry about dating or professional peers. A teen's romantic interactions or job interactions may not be as intense as those of a high-level professional in a long-standing marriage. Thus, it benefits any aged individual who struggles with peer interactions at any level to deal with it directly and honestly. The GATE can offer a framework from which to develop the skills and awareness necessary to succeed confidently in this often confusing and frustrating part of life.
Genuineness
Genuineness is the ultimate building block of peer relations. Both genuineness with yourself so that you can be honest with others, and genuineness to others, which actually is manifested by honesty itself. People are great lie detectors . . .we all have the ability inside of us that Robert DeNiro has in "Meet the Parents." Most of us just do not have it as finely tuned as his character; however, our bodies know it--and we can all 'feel' a certain vibe when someone is not genuine, or congruent, with their feelings and actions. Alan Watts sums it up nicely in this quote from The Culture of Counterculture (pg 11):
"I was once associated in a business way with somebody who was a complicated person. He always pretended that he was a great idealist and that whatever he was doing was for the benefit of mankind, for the furtherance of mutual understanding, and to promote unselfishness and love between human beings. Actually, his dealings were very shady ethically. And I couldn't get along with him, because he wouldn't come clean. If he had said, "Look, I'm in a jam, and in order to get around it, I need you to manipulate things with me thus and so. I know it isn't ethical, but this what I need you to do." I would have said, "Well, I'm entirely in agreement with you." If he hadn't come on in his usual pious way, which I found sickening and offensive, but had come on in a human way, we would have understood each other."
This is a great example of how genuine action (coming on "in a human way"), no matter how difficult, will usually lead to more beneficial relationships and partnerships. Of course, this applies to not only professional interactions, but also to social and intimate ones as well. In short, be honest about what you are feeling--both to yourself and to others, in thought and in action.
Awareness
Being self-aware offers you the opportunity to monitor your interactions--being overly aware can however, be a hindrance (usually this is an issue for those who struggle with self-esteem). Being aware of if you are being overly self focused in the conversation vs. having a healthy balance of interest in the other person (or people, if in a group) is extremely helpful. If you find that you are too much on either side, then use your awareness to either pull back a little on your storytelling about yourself, or to pull-back a bit in the relentless questioning of others. . . whichever applies. Being aware of other people's body language, facial expressions and tone of voice will aid you in determining if you would do well to alter your level of interaction. If you find that you should, please do not beat yourself up--what will shine through to the other people involved is your perceptiveness and ability to adapt--not the initial interactions.
(Click here to see the rest of this article and how Jonathan applies genuineness, awareness, trust and empathy to peer relations.)
Jonathan Anderson's career providing professional counseling as well as management and personal consultation for thousands of customers over the past 10+ years has prepared him to help people as they explore ways to find balance in their lives. He provides his counseling and consultation in a manner that is applicable to real-life situations (i.e.even metaphysical discussions are always brought back to real-life, even scientific, applications to your life). See Jonathan's blog on psychology, therapy, healing and learning.
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