Parenting Styles & Making Tough Decisions
By Jonathan Anderson
Different styles of parenting can result in different outcomes for children. While all families are unique in their way of functioning, there are some similarities in successful approaches that support a secure and emotionally healthy child.
Parenting Styles and Making Tough Decisions
General Considerations:
Parenting styles change with each family. There are a few trends, though, that prove to be very useful when raising kids of any age.
One of the most important parts of parenting is how to talk to your child. Finding ways to teach your child about feelings, values, rules, rewards, and consequences is a challenge faced by all parents.
Most often, communication with a child of any age should be:
* Open
* Honest
* Direct
* Consistent
* Proactive
* Strength based
* Curious
You should try to avoid being:
* Hostile
* Shaming
* Deceptive
* Judging
* Assuming
* Manipulative
According to Dr. John Gottman, a family's Philosophy of Emotion has a tremendous impact on the development of a child's ability to manage difficult emotions later in life (The Relationship Cure, 2001). Emotionally Coaching families that provide acceptance and reassurance along with teaching healthy coping skills tend to have the most success. Families that are Emotionally Disapproving, or Emotionally Dismissive tend to create significant problems for children learning basic socialization skills and conflict management.
There are some other basic practices that help lead to healthy development of both the parent and the child:
* Catch your kids being good. Try to reward positive actions with a point system (see above) or privileges. Keep in mind that kids like to be happy and to please their parents.
* Assume success, and reward behaviors as they approach success.
* Use immediate, fitting consequences that match the intensity of the behavior (being too harsh can hurt your credibility as a parent).
* Respect your child's age level. A 16-year old will likely deserve more responsibility than a 10 year old. Try to avoid treating a 16 year old like a 10 year old because of your being angry with him/her. Also try to avoid giving a 6 year old the responsibilities of a 16 year old (baby-sitting for several hours, for example).
* Listen to, and learn from your child. Be open to the idea that you may not completely understand their experiences, thoughts and feelings in the same way that they do. Ask them to help you understand their experience. Remember to validate the feelings/experiences first.
* When listening, try to hear your child's message, and then say it back to them. Try to hold off on judging their message or trying to convince them that they are wrong. Just begin by letting them know that you hear what they are trying to share with you, even if you disagree. Once a child (especially a pre-teen or teen) feels that they have been heard and respected, they are more likely to hear what you have to say.
* Model the behavior you would like to see in your child. In other words, if you do not want to see your child yelling and screaming when conflict comes up, then be careful not to yell and scream when conflict comes up for you. Remember, your kids learned how to tie their shoes by watching you, they learned their manners by watching you, they learned how to talk by watching you. They WILL learn how to deal with conflict and how to face tough emotions by watching you.
* In any situation, imagine your kids in the same situation, and then imagine how you hope that they would handle themselves. Then handle yourself like that. This way, you are showing them how they should act.
* Focus on working through mistakes . . . not on the mistake itself. Just like this is your first time parenting your child, it is your child's first time, too. You may make mistakes, and so will your child. By teaching your child that you do not only focus on the bad (instead, focusing on reward and natural consequences) they will be more likely to work with you willingly in making a smooth home life.
* Work with your child's school. At the same time, try to respect your child's privacy and boundaries. PTA meetings are an excellent place to check in with teachers and counselors about your child. If there is trouble at home, talk to teachers and see if your child's behavior is better at school. If it is, ask the teachers how they work with your child-be willing to learn from your child's teachers. If your family is experiencing a difficult time (divorce, death, etc.), let school administrators and teachers know so that they can keep an eye on your child.
* Take an interest in your child's development. Go to their games, celebrate their success, and comfort them when they don't succeed (be careful not to overdo it-sometimes children need to have the time to work through their feelings using the skills you have taught them).
* Ask questions/be curious, but try not to pry. Ask your child to help you understand (ex. "Could you help me understand what it is like being a teenager today.").
* Respect privacy and try to avoid 'snooping.' Remember that your kids learn by watching your actions; if you snoop around . . . they will snoop around, too. Clearly, if you are concerned for your child's well being, there may be appropriate times to do a limited search, but try to ask your child first about what you are concerned about, then talk to a counselor if you feel the need to search their personal belongings. If your instincts tell you to snoop, then snoop! They are still children under your care, and while respect of privacy is important, your child's physical and emotional well-being is more important.
Regarding making tough parenting decisions:
* ASK YOURSELF, "if my son/daughter were faced with this very decision about their child, what would I hope for them to do?" Then, do that. This is a great filter since it is fairly uncommon for people to wish harm upon their children; AND since you would wish for your kids to act in a certain way, then you will be modeling that for them. THE OLD SAYING, "Do as I say, not as I do" IS A HARMFUL AND COMPLETELY RIDICULOUS LESSON. It teaches double standards and is extremely confusing for children and teens alike. As a parent, it is your responsibility to behave in a manner consistent with what you expect from your kids. . remember, they learned to talk by watching you. . . they learned to tie their shoes by watching you, they learn their manners by watching you, they learn problem solving, conflict resolution, etc. all by watching you. . .THEY WILL LEARN HOW TO INTERACT WITH OTHERS BY HOW YOU TREAT THEM.
* Consult with other parents, counselors, clergy, mentors, friends, family, etc.
* Remind your children that you love them no matter what.
* If you are unsure of what to say, tell your children that you love them.
* Be willing to be wrong; and be willing to correct the mistake in a manner that models appropriate 'mistake-management' for your children.
* Use your instincts and previous experiences of what has worked before, and build on those.
(Click here to see the rest of this article and how Jonathan applies genuineness, awareness, trust and empathy to parenting.)General Considerations:
Parenting styles change with each family. There are a few trends, though, that prove to be very useful when raising kids of any age.
One of the most important parts of parenting is how to talk to your child. Finding ways to teach your child about feelings, values, rules, rewards, and consequences is a challenge faced by all parents.
Most often, communication with a child of any age should be:
* Open
* Honest
* Direct
* Consistent
* Proactive
* Strength based
* Curious
You should try to avoid being:
* Hostile
* Shaming
* Deceptive
* Judging
* Assuming
* Manipulative
According to Dr. John Gottman, a family's Philosophy of Emotion has a tremendous impact on the development of a child's ability to manage difficult emotions later in life (The Relationship Cure, 2001). Emotionally Coaching families that provide acceptance and reassurance along with teaching healthy coping skills tend to have the most success. Families that are Emotionally Disapproving, or Emotionally Dismissive tend to create significant problems for children learning basic socialization skills and conflict management.
There are some other basic practices that help lead to healthy development of both the parent and the child:
* Catch your kids being good. Try to reward positive actions with a point system (see above) or privileges. Keep in mind that kids like to be happy and to please their parents.
* Assume success, and reward behaviors as they approach success.
* Use immediate, fitting consequences that match the intensity of the behavior (being too harsh can hurt your credibility as a parent).
* Respect your child's age level. A 16-year old will likely deserve more responsibility than a 10 year old. Try to avoid treating a 16 year old like a 10 year old because of your being angry with him/her. Also try to avoid giving a 6 year old the responsibilities of a 16 year old (baby-sitting for several hours, for example).
* Listen to, and learn from your child. Be open to the idea that you may not completely understand their experiences, thoughts and feelings in the same way that they do. Ask them to help you understand their experience. Remember to validate the feelings/experiences first.
* When listening, try to hear your child's message, and then say it back to them. Try to hold off on judging their message or trying to convince them that they are wrong. Just begin by letting them know that you hear what they are trying to share with you, even if you disagree. Once a child (especially a pre-teen or teen) feels that they have been heard and respected, they are more likely to hear what you have to say.
* Model the behavior you would like to see in your child. In other words, if you do not want to see your child yelling and screaming when conflict comes up, then be careful not to yell and scream when conflict comes up for you. Remember, your kids learned how to tie their shoes by watching you, they learned their manners by watching you, they learned how to talk by watching you. They WILL learn how to deal with conflict and how to face tough emotions by watching you.
* In any situation, imagine your kids in the same situation, and then imagine how you hope that they would handle themselves. Then handle yourself like that. This way, you are showing them how they should act.
* Focus on working through mistakes . . . not on the mistake itself. Just like this is your first time parenting your child, it is your child's first time, too. You may make mistakes, and so will your child. By teaching your child that you do not only focus on the bad (instead, focusing on reward and natural consequences) they will be more likely to work with you willingly in making a smooth home life.
* Work with your child's school. At the same time, try to respect your child's privacy and boundaries. PTA meetings are an excellent place to check in with teachers and counselors about your child. If there is trouble at home, talk to teachers and see if your child's behavior is better at school. If it is, ask the teachers how they work with your child-be willing to learn from your child's teachers. If your family is experiencing a difficult time (divorce, death, etc.), let school administrators and teachers know so that they can keep an eye on your child.
* Take an interest in your child's development. Go to their games, celebrate their success, and comfort them when they don't succeed (be careful not to overdo it-sometimes children need to have the time to work through their feelings using the skills you have taught them).
* Ask questions/be curious, but try not to pry. Ask your child to help you understand (ex. "Could you help me understand what it is like being a teenager today.").
* Respect privacy and try to avoid 'snooping.' Remember that your kids learn by watching your actions; if you snoop around . . . they will snoop around, too. Clearly, if you are concerned for your child's well being, there may be appropriate times to do a limited search, but try to ask your child first about what you are concerned about, then talk to a counselor if you feel the need to search their personal belongings. If your instincts tell you to snoop, then snoop! They are still children under your care, and while respect of privacy is important, your child's physical and emotional well-being is more important.
Regarding making tough parenting decisions:
* ASK YOURSELF, "if my son/daughter were faced with this very decision about their child, what would I hope for them to do?" Then, do that. This is a great filter since it is fairly uncommon for people to wish harm upon their children; AND since you would wish for your kids to act in a certain way, then you will be modeling that for them. THE OLD SAYING, "Do as I say, not as I do" IS A HARMFUL AND COMPLETELY RIDICULOUS LESSON. It teaches double standards and is extremely confusing for children and teens alike. As a parent, it is your responsibility to behave in a manner consistent with what you expect from your kids. . remember, they learned to talk by watching you. . . they learned to tie their shoes by watching you, they learn their manners by watching you, they learn problem solving, conflict resolution, etc. all by watching you. . .THEY WILL LEARN HOW TO INTERACT WITH OTHERS BY HOW YOU TREAT THEM.
* Consult with other parents, counselors, clergy, mentors, friends, family, etc.
* Remind your children that you love them no matter what.
* If you are unsure of what to say, tell your children that you love them.
* Be willing to be wrong; and be willing to correct the mistake in a manner that models appropriate 'mistake-management' for your children.
* Use your instincts and previous experiences of what has worked before, and build on those.
Jonathan Anderson's career providing professional counseling as well as management and personal consultation for thousands of customers over the past 10+ years has prepared him to help people as they explore ways to find balance in their lives. He provides his counseling and consultation in a manner that is applicable to real-life situations (i.e.even metaphysical discussions are always brought back to real-life, even scientific, applications to your life). See Jonathan's blog on psychology, therapy, healing and learning.
